In The News
A special game show for our election freak show
By Dominique Paul Noth
Editor, Labor Press
Posted June 10, 2011
Hey, Gladys, come on down! Studio audience, meet our big winner on this week’s Who Do You Trust! Turn On Applause Sign
Don’t be shy, Gladys, step right up and tell us all about yourself, sweetie. Folks, it’s Gladys Huber of Mequon, a lifelong Republican, right? And my, how you’ve served your party faithfully for – how old are you, Gladys? Giggle. Laughter overlaps as
We understand, don’t we folks? So let’s just say you’re over 75. Well, Gladys, you’ll be happy to know that in the US, 75 is the typical age of a US poll worker. What’s that? Folks, Gladys HAS been a poll worker! Bet you itch to go back next year now that photo ID is here, right? What’s that, Gladys, speak up? Folks, get this, she says she definitely can’t wait to be one of those people who look at your photo ID, look back up at you, look down again and look up again and again to make sure you are who you say you are before she allows you to vote and lets others in line move forward. Talk about homeland security! Applause
But she’s also been an election official, right Gladys? She represented the Republican Party for the Ozaukee County Board of Canvassers in the recent Prosser-Kloppenburg race for the Supreme Court. OOOH-Applause Sign.
Well, Gladys, that loyalty is going to win you major prizes here on Who Do You Trust. First and most important, you’re getting to pretend to be a Democrat for a month! Turn on Cheer Sign
Yes, Gladys, you’ve volunteered to be the Pretend Dem in the Senate District 8 race to force the real Democrat, Sandy Pasch, to compete with you first. That gives her actual opponent, incumbent Alberta Darling, whose campaigns you have long worked for and given money to, an extra month to get ready. That’s more time to raise money, more time to hope voters forget how central Darling has been in passing that hateful Walker budget, more time to figure out what to say to Pasch’s stern arguments.
And if you’re willing to make this sacrifice, Gladys, to enter your twilight years to the hoots of laughter from disbelieving citizens, we’re ready to help with big prizes. We registered a Friends of Gladys Huber group with the state to help you raise money and gather the 400 to 800 signatures you need to force a Democrat primary race July 12.
Yes, Gladys, while it took almost 30,000 signatures of District 8 citizens to set up the recall against Darling, it only takes a few hundred to get you on the ballot. Isn’t democracy wonderful! Applause Sign
Reflect on what you’re doing for Walker and our beloved motherland -- you’re seeking to delay the real election to mid-August, when many voters will go on vacation and some might forget how badly the budget bill has stung their children and communities. You’ve made a mockery of the genuine voter anger and Democratic discipline that brought about the recall. You may need those paid Friends when it’s all over, but you’ve given Alberta Darling the only chance she has to survive. What a sweetheart!
And there’s more, Gladys. We’re paying to enter you in the Internet’s premier relationship dating service -- SoulMatingMatchCom. And our first gift from that -- Meet Otto! Applause Sign
Yes, it’s Otto Junkermann, age 82, retired. He lives about 90 miles north of you and is also a diehard Wisconsin Republican who served a term in the state Assembly in the 1980s and has run countless times for office as a Republican. What makes the match even better, Gladys, is he has also volunteered to be a Pretend Dem! That will force Green Bay’s genuine well-known Democrat, former Brown County executive Nancy Nusbaum, to beat him in a primary before she takes on incumbent senate Republican Rob Cowles.
I mean, talk about soulmates! That’s why we’ve arranged an intimate candlelight dinner for just the two of you to celebrate at Las Vegas’ Trump Plaza.
Otto and Gladys, we’re dreaming big about all this. In the shameful Tricky Dick past, the con job you two are running would be scorned by serious media as dirty tricks. In normal times, professionals run away from being labeled as smear merchants. They’ve even denied such tactics in fear of public outrage or the law. But not today in Wisconsin! Our party salutes you. Our leaders click their heels in your honor as you march blindly into service. They embrace Otto for telling the media he’s the spoiler candidate. Spoil away, you cute couple! Turn On Applause
And now, studio audience, meet James Smith! He reflects that younger crazy generation you’ve all been reading about – and boy, we’ve got some of those in our camp! Teen Scream Soundtrack. You may have seen him on TV as the lone wolf standing among thousands of anti-Walker protesters with his pro-Walker signs. What a character! Come on down, Jimmy. Cheer Sign
Studio, did you know that Jimmy was actually a leader of the La Crosse County GOP until he resigned June 6 to become a fake Dem? He’s committed to throwing a monkey wrench, himself, against a real Democrat, veteran Assembly member Jennifer Shilling, who is taking on incumbent Republican Sen. Dan Kapanke.
Move over Sarah Palin! Because Jimmy at age 25 represents our maverick combined with blindly faithful side. In truth, folks, we wish we could clone him and take him into northern Wisconsin, where we’ve got a little problem. A genuine primary on the Republican side has emerged because we couldn’t get our haters together to oppose Democrat Sen. Jim Holperin. Sure, we even hired outside signature gatherers and some deception to sneak through to a July 19 election, but then Kim Simac, a Tea Party leader, insisted on also running – and Jimmy, looks like she’s your kind of my way or the highway. Our SoulMatingMatchCom computer reveals she filed for divorce from her first husband on the same day that her current husband filed for divorce from his now ex-wife. Talk about typical Americana family values that could sell at the polls!
Of course, Jimmy, you might not swing that way. In that case, meet Bob Lussow! He’s the real Republican taking on Simac in the primary.
In fact, now meet our GAME SHOW SPONSOR Applause Sign who found all you folks and is paying for all the prizes as they did for so many signatures. It’s the Wisconsin Republican Party, and they would love to get all of you together for a group picture, brats. beer, harmony and hugs.
But first the party bosses have got more work to do for next week’s show. There are still recall elections that need this brand of confusion – like real Democrat Jessica King running against randy, sorry for the lower case I meant Randy Hopper, GOP incumbent, also real Democrat Rep. Fred Clark running against another Republican senator, Luther Olsen, and outspoken teacher and Democrat Shelly Moore running against Sheila Harsdorf.
Folks, there’s no time to lose since those elections will take place July 12 while the budget votes are still fresh in the voters’ minds, and you know how bad that will be for the GOP. So here’s what Who Do You Trust is doing. A MAJOR CONTEST WITH BIG PRIZES AND CELEBRITY JUDGES! Applause
Get your nominations in for more fake Dems to upset the remaining applecarts. Our celebrity panel of judges includes Annette Ziegler, Mike Gableman and David Prosser Applause– and they will also pick the prizes! Isn’t that great?
Ring. Wait a minute -- who’s on the phone? What? I almost can’t believe it, but another big surprise! Otto and Gladys, talk to David Koch!
Hi, Gladys and Otto. Outstanding! I’d love to fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time. Maybe I can take you to Disneyland. Or a circus.